More Rejected Writing: News Satire

by robinhardwick

One time I was hired to write for a satirical news site (not The Onion, obviously.) I was then quickly fired after my first few submissions because they were not what they were looking for, not good, too transcendent of their idea of satire, you know, the usual reasons. Here is one of my submissions:

Carmacks Happy Hour Completely Misnamed

Marv Johnson, owner of local pub The Coal Hole, has created some confusion among his regular customers, implementing “Happy Hour” specials between the hours of 4pm and 7pm, Monday through Fridays.

“Marv told me it was a way to relax and wind down with my buddies after work,” said Hole regular Christopher O’Daniels. “But I hate my coworkers and I come here to drink to squelch the voices in my head telling me to murder them and rip them limb from limb. Ain’t nuthin’ happy about it.”

The Happy Hour specials include $3 beers on tap, $5 rail drinks, and half-off buffalo wings and hush puppies.

Regular pub patron and single mother Carol Thorne is  “currently engaging in a slow process of suicide by mass intake of alcohol  and unhealthy fried foods. If I save a few bucks in the process, so be it,” she concludes. “But mind you, I do sob uncontrollably while stuffing onion rings down my throat. Remind me why this is called Happy Hour?”

Johnson has designated Tuesday Happy Hours as Trivia Night. O’Daniels added: “I don’t understand why I had to have my nightly bender interrupted by someone asking questions like what was the  name of Urkel’s cousin on ‘Family Matters’ or the capital of Utah. I don’t know. It just made me feel dumber and more ashamed of not graduating high school, which drives me to drink every night in the first place.”

Local postal worker Diane Fremont was present for Happy Hour on Friday Night, which was designated as “Singles Happy Hour”.  “I  got all done up but the other singles that were there were my cousin, my brother, and Slow Pete, who was hit on the head as a kid and can’t say much,” Fremont reports.”It was a reminder that I’m probably going to die alone, so, yea, I’m not sure how that can be happy.”

Coal Hole owner Johnson still remains optimistic about happy hours at the pub. “I know for a fact that Slow Pete is here for every Happy Hour.” As of press time, no one had informed Johnson that Slow Pete is at the pub at all open hours anyway.

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