Alternative Endings to ‘Dexter’

by robinhardwick

-3-dexter-20114613-1920-1200

Last week, Dexter fans were united among their immense disappointment for the series finale, in which the titular Dexter Morgan fakes his own death, lets his serial killer girlfriend raise his some in Argentina, and Dexter becomes a lumberjack. Not to mention the death of his adoptive sister Deborah, who has been dealt more shit on this show than any of Dexter’s poor victims.

Still, we shouldn’t let a horrible ending spoil our enjoyment of the show over the years.John Lithgow as the Trinity Killer was one of the best performances/seasons on television, and I even chuckled sometimes at Dexter’s dark humor and faking of being human. That’s why I encourage you to make up your own perfect ending to the series. Guess what? Dexter is not a real person! He’s a character! Nothing needs to be factually accurate! You can use your imagination. In fact, I’m going to pretend that the last two seasons didn’t even happen! Easy-peasy! Here are some of my imagined endings:

Dexter wakes up to find himself in a kill room, wrapped in plastic, with pictures of his loved ones tapes everywhere. He is confused until the killer is revealed to be Deborah. “None of these people [on the wall] are dead. But they will be destroyed when they find out who you really are,” she tells him. “I’m sorry, I love you, but I can’t let you kill anymore.” and she stabs him to death. Deb lives on with his secret.

An FBI agent finds out who Dexter really is and what he’s done. Dexter gets him in the kill table. “Wait,” says the FBI agent. “I can help you.” Dexter is recruited by the FBI to profile other serial killers, and he is secretly dispensed to kill off those who fall through the justice system. “My dark passenger…now comes with a pension plan.” could be the last line.

Dexter decides to run for elected office. This will allow him to manipulate the police department and stay out of the public eye while staying IN the public eye. A rousing campaign speech could be: “I’m going to slaughter…the idea of the rich getting tax breaks.” “There’s something you don’t know about me. I’m a serial killer….I propose to eliminate sugary breakfast foods to prevent childhood obesity.” How about “Anyway I slice and dice your family….’s health insurance plan, we’ll make sure it’s what works best for your family.” You get the picture.

Dexter dies, and comes back as a spiritual guide to son Harrison, just like his father did for him. Turns out, his son is not interested in being a killer, he’s just your typical millennial twenty-something trying to make his way in the world. Instead of giving him advice on killing, Dexter coaches Harrison on how to get more twitter followers, get noticed at his job for how special he is, and generally give him rent money, which is going to be difficult to transfer money from the spirit world to real world. We’ll have to work that one out in the writer’s room.

Just as someone finds out about Dexter’s secret, we suddenly go to a black screen and Damn Yankee’s “Higher” is playing.

Dexter wakes up in bed next to his husband, Vince Masuka, to realize that everything was just a dream.

Dexter is given the electric chair and in “purgatory” he meets up with Doakes. After hurling some quippy insults at each other, they reluctantly team up to solve crimes in purgatory. At one or more times, Doakes will mutter “you bet my black ass.” We’ll call it “PERP-atory.” Wednesdays on Fox, this Fall.

The Miami Metro Police Station is really the inside of a snow globe. Owned by an autistic boy. Who lives in Narnia.

Advertisements