This Is How My Depression Feels

by robinhardwick

My default mode is to never get out of bed. Everything I do that is not lying in bed is a struggle. Even going to get the mail is a fucking battle to be out of bed. It’s like wearing an uncomfortable mask all day that you are dying to take off but all my energy is spent trying to keep it on.

I simultaneously wish the day would hurry up and end and fearing the day going by without feeling like I accomplished anything.

Compliments are frustrating- they feel nice in the immediate aftermath, but then I am frustrated with yourself that the compliment didn’t make me feel better, even for a little while. So I feel bad for not taking the compliment, thus thrusting me into the depression turbine.

I often feel like a stranger in your own neighborhood. Even though I see the same street, trees, and houses everyday, I don’t get used to them..

I want to leave the house because it is good for me, but I also fight against it. I waste half the day struggling with the decision to do something or not. My decision is usually “not.”

Whenever someone asks me “how are you” and I say “fine” is the most hilariously stupid lie ever. It’s so ridiculous I have to suppress the laughter.

I swing dramatically between extreme megalomania (“ can’t believe how stupid everyone is, why is no one good enough for me”) and extreme self hatred (“I don’t deserve anyone or anything”) sometimes in a split second. And back again.

I make self-deprecating comments all the time, to be funny, but they are mostly funny because they are true.

Sometimes when I wander into a big store (DSW, Costco) you I get sucked into some sort of browsing vortex and I can’t leave even though I want to. I’m talking hours.

I feel like you are on the verge of tears but when I am alone and want to cry, nothing. It’s the worst cry-constipation ever.

Everything is a conspiracy to annoy the shit out of me The sidewalk is a constant uphill incline to make me feel miserable; everyone decided to wait in line at the grocery store at the same time to annoy me; a person procreated and had kids just so these kids could scream and irritate me while in line at the post office.

If offered literally any option of an activity in the whole world, I would always rather be asleep.

The more depressed I am, the happier my pet is (more petting and napping together time for her).

Looking at social media is the ultimate masochism.

I experience the confusing phenomenon of using my cognitive abilities to realize that my cognitive abilities are abnormal. I can comprehend the rational way to react to things, yet I cannot stop the abnormal cognition from happening. Realization: the brain is the only organ that is aware of itself.

Postscript: This was a sort of response to “textbook” descriptions of depression, i.e., fatigue, loss of enjoyment, feeling worthless, which, although is correct, doesn’t really give a more specific sense of what it really feels like for me. I also should note that the above is not how I feel all the time, but describes when I am at my lowest. Really, I’m ok. I just want to write more about my depression as an outlet and maybe for others to relate. .