Exclusive! Leaked script for Sex and The City 5: The Prequel Reboot

by robinhardwick

SCENE 1: OPENING

WE SEE A CLOSEUP OF A STUDENT READING A HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER. IT ZOOMS IN ON A COLUMN CALLED SEX AND THE SCHOOL

CARRIE: [VOICEOVER][A wise woman once said, “Love is a Battlefield.” If love is a battlefield, then high school is a Concentration Camp. Every day, girls enter the gas chamber of their hearts only to see if they will be killed or spared.Thank god I have my fellow prisoners in this love genocide. “

CARRIE WALKS INTO THE CAFETERIA AND FINDS HER TABLE WITH HER FOUR FRIENDS, ALL APPLYING THEIR MAKEUP, LOOKING AT CASSETTE COVERS OR CHECKING THEIR DAYPLANNERS.

CARLA (a preppy brunette in head-to-toe Benetton): I just can’t believe it. Greg promised he’s take me to the mall, but last night he wanted to stay home and play Nintendo! What is it with men? They always have to have their joystick in their hands.

SERENA (an older woman in her mid-thirties, wearing leather pants): If only he spent as much time looking for your clitoris as he did searching for the Legend of Zelda, you’d be happy.

CARLA

(looking shocked)

Ewwwww! I don’t want him to find my anything.

CARRIE

Speaking of games, Steven still hasn’t realized that he likes me. We sit together every day in homeroom, but he hasn’t asked me out. he must be intimidated by our differences.

SERENA

What differences? You have a cunt, he has a cock, let them use their differences!

MELISSA

[no nonsense girl wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase] Oh Carrie, you’re just upset that he’s a jock and you’re a shallow, fashionista.

CARRIE

He’s soccer in the park, I’m Park Avenue. He’s hit the baseball, I’m dancing at the ball.

CARLA

He’s Boston Red Sox, you’re Betsy Johnson ankle socks. He’s jock strap, you’re Christian Laboutin strappy sandals. You’re-

MELISSA

We get it it! He’s a jock, you’re more of the shallow, fashion type. So what, you can’t hold that against him.

SERENA

Speaking of holding his testicles against my chin, I’ve got to go meet Principle Brad for a meeting.

MELISSA

It’s too bad you’re the vice principle and not a sophomore like us. We never see you!

SERENA

Believe me, it took me a lot of work to get where I am. Do you know how many tug jobs I had to give? They don’t call me the viceprinci-PULL for nothin’.”

ALL LAUGH

CARRIE (VOICE OVER)

Are girls just looking for our football hero to score a touchdown, and to touch down…our bodies?”

[Insert confident, sassy female song by Fergie]

SCENE 2: LATER ON

CARRIE

Later, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I said in my column. Was MC Scat Kat right? Do opposites really attract?

[MONTAGE OF CARRIE “MEETING CUTE” WITH STEVEN SEVERAL TIMES. HE BUMPS INTO HER IN THE HALLWAY, AND ALL HER MAKEUP SPILLS OUT. THEY BOTH GET IN LINE FOR THE LUNCH LINE AND THEY BUMP INTO EACH OTHER. CARRIE ACCIDENTALLY WALKS INTO THE BOYS LOCKER ROOM AND GASPS AT THE NAKEDNESS WHILE THE BOYS QUICKLY COVER THEIR GENITALS WITH TOWELS. CARRIE GETS HER EVENING GOWN CAUGHT IN HER LOCKER AND STEVEN HELPS HER GET IT OUT.]

SCENE 3: ALGEBRA CLASS

INTERIOR, ALGEBRA CLASS, CARRIE IS STILL THINKING ABOUT HER CHANCE MEETINGS AND STARING OFF INTO SPACE

MR. DREAMY

Carrie? Can you tell us the answer? Carrie? Carrie? MISS BRADSHAW!

[Carrie is stunned awake from her reverie and is flustered. Everyone is looking expectantly at her.]

MR. DREAMY

Carrie, can you tell the class what the next step is to solve this equation?

CARRIE LOOKS AT THE CHALKBOARD. THE EQUATION IS 3X + 5Y = 56X – 6/Y. MELISSA, CARLA AND STEVEN LOOK AT HER EXPECTANTLY

CARRIE

Oh well, I guess, uh…you should put all the same integers on the same side….

MR. DREAMY

Why yes, that is correct Miss Bradshaw. You bring the x to this side-

CARRIE

WAIT! I don’t think that’s right. Why should all the similar integers stay to one side and the other on the other?

MR. DREAMY

Because that is the law of math, Miss bradshaw.

CARRIE

Well, I think we should reconsider. Say the “x” lives this fabulous life, always hanging out with the other x’s. x loves fashion, virgin crantinis, and spraying her bangs. X thinks like is all she needs. But then one day, a “Y” comes to her side of the equation-

Carrie looks over at Steven, flips her perm and smiles.

CARRIE

-and she realizes that maybe she SHOULDN’T automatically move him to the other side of that equal sign. Maybe Y likes things that X doesn’t, like sports and school and fast food, but maybe X wants him to hang around this side of the equation, maybe try some division of integers, multiplication of decimals. So really, Mr. Dreamy, shouldn’t Y give XX a chance?

MELISSA AND CARLA SMILE AND HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER.

CARRIE

Because, really [DRAMATIC PAUSE] aren’t we all trying to find our common denominator…in love?

SCENE 4: THE HALLWAY

STEVEN

Hi, uh, Carrie. I really liked what you said in there.

CARRIE

Oh that? It’s what I like to call graphing a parabo-LUV.

STEVEN

Wow, you’re cute.

CARRIE

You’re not so bad yourself, sports boy.

STEVEN

How ’bouts I take you to dinner tomorrow night and you can tell me more about your Pythagorean Theorem?

CARRIE

I thought you’d never ask. Pick me up at the square root of sixty-four. And lets hope there aren’t any remainders at the end of the night.

Steven leaves for class and CARRIE joins CARLA and MELISSA in the hallway.

MELISSA

Carrie, are you ready to drive me to the hospice to see my grandmother? You promised yesterday.

CARRIE

Sorry Melissa, no can do. I’ve got to put my virginity in hospice because it will be dead after tonight.

CARLA

Melissa, how can you be so selfish? This is huge for Carrie. Steven may be the one!

SERENA walks over to the group, feigning anger.

SERENA

What are you girls doing in the hallway? Don’t make me put you in detention- at the mall with no hairspray and no charge card!And then a date with no lube!

ALL

(Laughing)

CARLA

Serena! You are so crass! Why do you have to make everything about sex?

SERENA

Oh honey, lay off. I haven’t had a parent teacher CUMfrence in a long time if you know what I mean. Come on ladies, whiskey and makeovers at my place!

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