My New Year’s Resolutions
Do the same amount of exercise I am now.
Go to The New Parkway more often to see cult movies I’ve already seen a billion times.
Talk to more dogs in my neighborhood.
Be nicer to my neighbors so I can use their supplies when the big earthquake hits.
Eat out more. Especially at the place with the sushi boat.
Get more tattoos.
Go to more arena concerts and complain when I am there.
Finally find a band I like that plays before 10pm.
Wield my privilege like a knife.
Get a thought piece written about me.
Introduce my niece to punk/alternative music (she’s four).
Go to Disneyland and immediately regret it.
Drive cross country without murdering the person I’m with.
Stop judging people who watch Dancing With the Stars.
Read every workd written on the Huffington Post.
See every Jake Lloyd movie ever made.