The Bachelor Fantasy League

by robinhardwick

Well America, it’s time to give up your notions of strong independent women because the Bachelor is back next week! I, of course, wanted to hate watch it , but holy fuck, it is on Sunday nights AND Monday nights, and as a strong independent woman myself, I got stuff to do.

I briefly considered running a fantasy league for fellow hate-watchers, but that would mean I’d actually have to watch and take notes. Maybe next time. I am sure it will go on for thirteen more seasons. Here was the designated scoring system:

[After each person would pick four women, they would increase their score if their chosen women did the following:]

say they are falling for Juan Pablo
cry (including tearing up)
question another woman’s motives for being there
read the date card
gets an individual date card
wears a one-shouldered dress
wears a sweetheart neckline
wears yoga pants on her date-night off
enters a hot tub
kisses Juan Pablo (with tongue)
mentions that they don’t have any/many female friends
says “I’m not here to make friends”
wears a dress fully covered in sequins
says “can I steal him for a moment”

says the word “connection”
uses a metaphor for falling in love
mentions of a “fairy tale” or fairy tale analogy
Expresses concern over the “intentions” of the other girls
Brings this to the attention of Juan Pablo
The producer has arranged for an ex-boyfriend to appear on the show
Has to repel down a building or mountain
Gets a private concert from a shitty band from 2001
does a magic trick when she gets out of the limo

is hospitalized
talks about a dead husband
is a woman of color who makes it to the third episode
barfs at a rose ceremony
has one arm
is over the age of 30

And, an extra bonus point if they hold any of these professions:
Expense Capitalist
Fine Coffee Exporter
Company spokes model
Business Executive
Dental Records Manager
Stocks & Bonds Curator
Wedding Catering Consultant

Happy watching!