I am the Best At Social Justice-ing

by robinhardwick

I just got back from a lecture about indigenous peoples, that’s why I’m late. However, did you know that by expecting me to be on time is constricting me to a western ideal of time? I didn’t think you were aware of this, considering the restaurant you chose.

I mean, this sushi place is a standard example of cultural appropriation. This isn’t authentic sushi. I know, I spent a semester in Japan with a family in a small village. I had the chance to go to London and stay in a flat with other Americans, but I don’t want to be a part of the travel tourism complex, you know? So when I was there I got to know this real sushi chef. Yes, I spoke to him in fluent Japanese.

Oh, you recommend the dragon roll? Thanks for mansplaining the menu. This is the perfect example of the patriarchy in effect. I don’t want to live by your cis-man rules, this is exactly why I didn’t want to join Ok-Cupid. Firstly, it reinforces binary gender roles, and we all have to check our privilege about owning computers. I don’t even own a television because the media is a cesspool of oppression. What? Oh yea, I have Netflix though. But not Hulu Plus. You didn’t know that the assistant to the security director once voted Republican? That’s why I boycott them.

Oh, so you ordered a diet coke? I think we need to reclaim the word diet- it is usually just a trigger for me. I like everything to be in a safe space, you know? Oh by the way, please give me trigger warnings if you are going to say something about identity or privilege. Wait, don’t even say coke. No, I’ve never snorted coke. I mean, you do understand how cocaine is a drug that affects the privileged class, you know? But anyone in this restaurant could be an addict, and we need to check our able-bodied privilege about not being addicts. Don’t you think it’s so brave of me to bring this up?

In fact, this restaurant has a roof, and we need to acknowledge our non-homeless privilege. I suggest we eat our California rolls outside hunched in the alley, that’s where I feel most comfortable. maybe we can also dive into that dumpster, since I only wear repurposed items because I don’t want to support any of those corporate bastards.

So, remind me of your name again?